A fun fact that even I didn't know about myself until fairly recently: I love hosting. Having people over, feeding them, entertaining them - despite my generally low energy levels, I genuinely enjoy it. However, I've noticed, both in my own home and in other people's, that a lot of folks my age and younger don't really know how to make sure it's still an enjoyable experience for the host as well as for the guests. So here are some rules and guidelines to make sure you're the kind of guest people want to invite back!
Arrival
Some events are timed in reasonably specific ways and have schedules or programs. For these events, try to be on time! If an event is more flexible, being late is generally not a problem, but it's kind to let the host know when you expect to arrive. Unless you're helping with setup or have cleared it with the host, it is generally not recommended to arrive significantly early, as this creates extra stress for the host, who may not be finished preparing.
When you arrive, greet your host! Say hello, catch up a little, ask if you can be helpful. Even if the answer is no, asking makes the host feel like you care about and respect them. If you don't know the host or there's a chance they don't remember you, (re)introduce yourself and thank them for having you.
Take your cue from the host and from any guests who have already arrived. Are the other attendees taking their shoes off when they enter? You should too. Are guests staying out of a room or area that's still being prepared or isn't in use? Take note and don't intrude. If you're unsure, ask! No one will think less of you for the question.
These days, most young hosts do not expect gifts when you arrive; however, contributions to sustenance or entertainment are often welcome! (More on this later.) Older hosts frequently do expect some small contribution; something as simple as a package of brownie bites from the grocery store is enough.
Socializing
Depending on the size and purpose of the event, there may be people you don't know, or people you're less familiar with. There may also be people you know very well! You do not have to get to know everyone, but try to be polite to folks you don't know. In mixed groups, be mindful of how you interact with those you know well and try not to make others feel excluded or uncomfortable.
If you or a plus-one are unfamiliar with the host or the majority of the group, be mindful of the host's and the group's comfort level with off-color jokes. I once had a guest who I had literally just met make a joke involving me and a My Little Pony jar, and it was wildly uncomfortable. Don't assume that everyone else is as comfortable with sensitive topics as you are, and take your cues from how other people interact. Be aware of your relationships with others before making off-color jokes; what's funny with a close friend may be uncomfortable or offensive to someone you know less well.
Sustenance and Substances
Frequently, hosts are more than happy to accept contributions to the event's food or substances; however, always mind the following guidelines:
- Avoid common allergens unless you're sure that none of the attendees are allergic; make sure allergens are clearly marked. If you made it, bring the recipe.
- If you have dietary restrictions, tell the host ahead of time!
- Ask the host ahead of time if there's anything you can bring, and try to be faithful to the request if one is made.
- If you're bringing something that isn't part of a dietary restriction, be prepared to share it.
- If a host says "oh, you don't need to bring anything" once, that means you don't have to, but may if you wish. If a host says it more than once, or if their wording is more emphatic (ex. "you really don't need to bring anything"), consider the possibility that they do not want you to bring things for whatever reason - not enough space, strict dietary requirements, etc. Obviously, it's preferred that a host tells you these things outright, but there are reasons they might not, and those preferences or needs should still be respected.
Substances should always be treated with care. At any given event, you may not know if people are sober or in recovery, have intolerances to things like smoke, or are generally uncomfortable being in spaces where others are intoxicated. Substances provided by the host are fair game; however, any substance that the host is not providing, you should ask the host about before you indulge. For example, if the host has alcohol out but not weed, ask if weed is okay, and specify the format.
On that note: smoking is not okay in another person's space unless they give you permission! If you do not have advance permission, do not assume that smoking in their space will be welcome. If you ask and they say anything that doesn't involve a yes, the answer is no. If they say yes but provide guidelines (ex. "please do it away from the house"), stay within those guidelines. There are plenty of reasons people may not want smoke near them, including asthma, allergies, pregnancy, or discomfort, and you are not owed a specific reason. If a window is open, ask before you smoke outside near that window.
I personally am the kind of anxious person who asks if it's okay to use my vape pen the first five or six times I'm in a space, even if the host uses weed. I recognize that asking that many times is anxious of me. However, at a bare minimum, you do need to ask once.
Unless the event is one that has some focus on intoxication (ex. "we're gonna get high and watch Sharknado"), do not arrive significantly intoxicated, and be mindful of your intake. If you plan to be intoxicated, arrange in advance for transportation to and from the event.
As with any event, do not get so intoxicated that your behavior is inappropriate or makes others uncomfortable. Know your limits.
Clothing and Accessories
It's not the 19th century anymore; few people will be scandalized by a flash of ankle. That said, do dress appropriately for the event. If it's a dinner party, don't come in sweatpants. If it's a pool party, don't plan to skinny dip. If it's a paint night, wear washable clothes. If you need to shed clothes or accessories, be aware of where you put them and be sure to retrieve them before you leave.
Within reason, wear what makes you feel comfortable - and remember that others are likely doing the same! Do not make negative comments about other people's outfits, especially not to their faces.
Activities and Entertainment
If the event is one with a set program, it is generally expected that guests will stick to that program. If you find yourself disinterested in an activity, avoid disrupting it or making additional work for the host.
If the event does not have a set program, it is often acceptable to bring your own activities or entertainment; however, they should still be intended to share, and you may want to ask the host ahead of time. If you're bringing a game, make sure it's not a two-person game for a party of ten. If you're bringing a movie, make sure the host is cool with that and has the setup you want.
I can't believe I have to say this, but past experience requires it: it is never polite to tell a host that their event or activity is boring. It is especially impolite to do so as an announcement in front of the other guests and/or in a way that mocks the host.
Respecting the Space
Unless you are the host, you are almost certainly in someone else's space. Treat it as such. This is doubly true if you are in someone's home. Put your trash in the trash can and your dishes in the sink; if you don't know where they are, ask. Flush the toilet. Keep your belongings organized and take them with you when you leave. If you spill something or otherwise make a mess, offer to help clean it up. If you break or damage something, offer to replace it, or at least apologize.
If you are in a home with pets and/or children, be mindful of their needs as well. Don't leave food, substances, trash, or sensitive belongings where a pet or small child can get into them. (A guest once left a burrito and a joint within easy reach of my dog!) Respect pets' and children's personal space; if they come to you, fabulous, but if they show any sign of not wanting to interact, leave them alone. Do not try to coerce children into hugging you or sitting on your lap. Do not cling to animals that are obviously trying to make an exit.
If you have brought pets and/or children, be aware of where they are and what they're doing. Talk to your kids ahead of time about expectations in other people's space. If your pet or child makes a mess or breaks something, offer to clean it up or replace it, and apologize. Always ask before bringing pets and/or children to other people's events unless they have been specifically included in the invitation, and use your best judgment; the aforementioned "get high and watch Sharknado" event is not an appropriate or safe event for a child. If an event is billed as childfree, or if the host declines your request to bring children, do not assume you're exempt from that decision; find childcare or don't go.
If the venue has staff of any kind - caterers, janitors, facilitators, etc. - be kind and respectful to them. Tip if appropriate. Thank them when they do things for you. People who staff venues, especially for large-scale or high-class events, are very frequently underpaid and overworked, and it makes a real difference to be treated as a person instead of a piece of furniture.
Departure
When you leave, thank the host for having you. Take all your belongings when you go, and ask if the host would like you to take or leave the remains of any sustenance or substances that you brought. Offer to help with cleanup if you can.
Some people (me) have a hard time expressing the desire to leave in a way that feels polite. Here are some easy and polite ways to leave:
- "Thank you so much for having me, but I should be going."
- "I should get home to [feed/walk/put to bed] the [dog/cat/kids]." (Please don't use this one if you do not actually have the referenced creature.)
- "I have to get up early tomorrow/go to bed early tonight."
- "I don't want to be on the road too late."
If you're more familiar with the host or have a generally higher comfort level, these also work:
- "I'm running out of energy/spoons."
- "I think I'm maxed out on socializing for today."
- "I have to go home and take my meds."
- *slap thighs* "Welp..." (Midwest only)
Some people (me again) also have a hard time expressing the desire for their guests to leave. Here are some things a host might say that indicate that it's time for you to go:
- "Thank you so much for coming."
- "I should probably get some of this cleaned up."
- "Whew, it's getting late."
- asking any other resident of the space if they need to go to bed, if they can help start cleanup, etc.
- "Goodbye :)"
Any of these signals should be taken as a cue to get skedaddling.
Followup
We no longer live in an era where thank-you notes for everything are required or expected. However, sending a message when you get home or the next day to say thank you and that you had a nice time is always much appreciated! If you borrowed a dish or container, make sure you return it; if you left something behind, ask when would be a good time to retrieve it.
If something about the event made you uncomfortable - a person, an activity, a comment - tell the host! They can only accommodate what they know needs accommodating, and nobody wants to host an event that makes people uncomfortable. Likewise, if you think something you did may have impacted someone else's enjoyment, reach out about it and apologize.
Final Thoughts
It can be hard to navigate the social niceties around events, especially as a young adult. It's okay to make mistakes. Your primary goal should be to have as good a time as possible without diminishing anyone else's good time, including and especially the person giving you a good time to begin with. Just be polite, say please and thank you, and treat other people's spaces with the same respect you'd want them to give yours.
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