The number-one thing any out nonbinary person knows is that most binary people - cis and trans - have no concept of what "nonbinary" really means. Some people think "nonbinary" is a single, monolithic third gender; some think it's pure neutrality; some don't think nonbinary people exist at all. So today, for the last day of pride month, I wanted to unpack some of the more common misconceptions of nonbinary genders.
MYTH: All nonbinary people are the same gender.
FACT: there are literally innumerable genders and experiences of genders. Even two cis women won't approach or express their gender exactly the same way. All "nonbinary" means is that someone doesn't identify as 100% man or 100% woman; we can have literally any other experience of gender.
MYTH: All nonbinary people are transgender OR no nonbinary people are transgender.
FACT: While all nonbinary identities fall under the transgender umbrella, and while any nonbinary person may choose to identify as trans if they wish to, many nonbinary people do not identify as transgender, either because they don't feel that their gender is significantly different from the one assigned to them or because they feel some sort of disconnect with transness. That said, many of us do identify as transgender.
MYTH: All nonbinary people use they/them pronouns.
FACT: Many nonbinary people, including myself, do use they/them pronouns. Many others use he/him or she/her. Other folks use neopronouns, including but not limited to xe/xem, ze/hir, voi/void, and it/its. Still others use more than one set of pronouns - he/they, she/ze, and so on. Pronouns aren't a gender marker, they're a form of gender expression, just like clothes. Speaking of which...
MYTH: All nonbinary people want to look androgynous.
FACT: Some of us do! Some of us don't! Some of us feel differently from one day to the next! And different people have different ideas of androgyny. Some people think of androgyny as "masc-lite" - a flat chest and clothes that are commonly accepted for men to wear. Some people think of androgyny as a mix-and-match deal; for my chorale concerts this past year, I wore slacks, combat boots, and a dress. Some people's androgyny goal is for other people to look at them and have absolutely no idea what their gender or AGAB (assigned gender at birth) is. And, again, a lot of us don't want to look androgynous. Not all AFAB nonbinary people bind; not all AMAB nonbinary people tuck. Not all of us have short hair or undercuts.
MYTH: All nonbinary people have dysphoria.
FACT: Some nonbinary people have dysphoria, but many do not. Dysphoria is a possible side effect of transness and nonbinaryness, not an inherent characteristic.
MYTH: Nonbinary people are either "girl-lite" or "boy-lite", depending on their AGAB.
FACT: Nonbinary people can identify that way, but often do not.
MYTH: AMAB (assigned male at birth) nonbinary people don't exist/cannot present masc.
FACT: Yes, they do and can. Genitals and presentation do not determine gender.
MYTH: All nonbinary people want to/should transition.
FACT: Transition isn't even applicable to a lot of nonbinary people. How is an AMAB nonbinary person who enjoys presenting masc gonna transition? Take extra testosterone? Please.
MYTH: Being nonbinary is a step to coming out as a binary trans person.
FACT: Many nonbinary people actually started out thinking they were binary trans people and then realized it still didn't feel right. Others just knew we were nonbinary to begin with.
MYTH: Nonbinary people cannot identify at all as men or women.
FACT: The only "rule" of being nonbinary is that you can't identify 100% as one binary gender. That's it. Nonbinary men and women exist and are valid.
MYTH: Nonbinary identities are new.
FACT: A lot of people think that, to quote my dear friend Avi, "the gender binary was bestowed upon us by God and we never thought to question it before 2021 when the world ended." But in fact, the Talmud, a Jewish holy text, makes reference to six genders. Many indigenous peoples have historically honored more than two genders. And if you're looking for a more specific example, you might enjoy learning about the Public Universal Friend.
MYTH: People are only identifying as nonbinary because it's "trendy".
FACT: First of all, if a trend lasts for hundreds or thousands of years, it seems to me that that's less of a trend and more of a fact of human nature. Second of all, almost nobody signs up for the kind of violent transphobia that nonbinary people face just to be cool; the two times I have seen someone try identifying as trans for clout, they gave it up pretty quick, because it's not fun - both because of the transphobia and because it's simply not comfortable to live as a gender you don't identify as. (Detransitioners, which tend to be the followup argument, are often either the few people who tried identifying as trans for clout or people who came out and felt so unsafe that they went back in the closet.)\
MYTH: Nonbinary people want [insert character here] to be gender-neutral.
FACT: We literally do not care at all about Santa's gender identity.
MYTH: Nonbinary people expect cis people to memorize every possible set of pronouns.
FACT: We expect you to remember our pronouns when you interact with us as individuals. We don't expect you to memorize every possible set of pronouns, any more than we expect you to memorize every possible name - but we do expect you to learn our names and pronouns the same way you do everyone else's.
MYTH: All nonbinary people know each other.
FACT: No, I do not know your sister's ex-roommate's cousin's friend named Sock who lives in Tallahassee. (Wish I did, they sound cool.)
MYTH: All nonbinary people are visibly nonbinary.
FACT: This goes back to the androgyny thing - every nonbinary person looks different. I personally am very visible, because I actively choose visibility. (Why else would I write this blog?) However, many nonbinary people are not immediately identifiable, because all of us are different.
MYTH: Nonbinary people somehow infringe upon cis people's rights.
FACT: No, we don't, because a nonbinary person merely existing in the world does not harm you even a little bit. There is no right you have that is infringed upon by someone else quietly (or loudly!) living a different life from yours.
MYTH: Nonbinary people can't do drag.
FACT: We can, we do, we're fabulous. What is drag if not a performance of gender?
MYTH: All nonbinary people are cool with being called "enbies".
FACT: This is highly individual. Everyone has different boundaries and preferences on what they want to be called, even cis people. Don't refer to someone as an enby unless you know they're okay with it.
MYTH: All nonbinary people are skinny and white.
FACT: Anyone can be nonbinary, regardless of body shape or skin color.
MYTH: All nonbinary people have or will acquire a liberal arts degree.
FACT: Do I actually have to explain why that's nonsense?
MYTH: All nonbinary people change their names.
FACT: Many people still like their birth names! Plus, name changes are expensive. Why cough up $500 if you don't have to?
MYTH: All nonbinary people have facial piercings and/or tattoos.
FACT: Obviously not true. Also, do I look like I'm made of money?
MYTH: All nonbinary people are pushovers.
FACT: If this blog hasn't convinced you otherwise then I don't even know what to tell you.
Here's the tl;dr - nonbinary people can look and act any way we want, just like you. We're not a monolith, so try to get to know us as individual people.
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