Yeah, I know, your hackles are immediately up. But wait.
Stop.
Sit with the feeling.
This post is not an attack. It is not a callout. It is a call to action.
Right now, you're receiving feedback. How does it make you feel? Probably defensive, maybe angry, possibly sad or hurt. Acknowledge those feelings... and then put them aside for a moment.
Is the feedback justified?
As an individual, your response is likely a resounding no. You're likely thinking, "I'm not the problem! It's other men!" But here's the thing: you are other men. To any man besides you, you count as "other men".
As a group, as "men" the collective, is the feedback justified?
You are not the only man. If you truly, deeply believe that all men everywhere are flawless, then you are fooling yourself.
I've given feedback to plenty of men in my life. Let's do a few case studies from my actual experiences, shall we?
(CW: violent language, disrespecting boundaries)
* * * * *
CASE STUDY 1: THE MAN WHO MUST BE RIGHT AT ANY COST
Let's call him A. A and I are close friends and talk about everything. One day, I admit to having a minor crush on a mutual friend, and he makes a comment about my being "in love" with the friend. I laugh. No, I explain, it's not that big a deal, just a little crush. He's insistent that they're the same, and starts to get angry that I disagree. Before I know what's happened, he's escalated the situation to a full-blown argument, so I tell him I'm blocking him temporarily while we both cool down.
He proceeds to message me on a different platform threatening to "burn [me] to ash".
There is no rational or effective reason for this behavior. He wasn't convincing me to change my position; he wasn't looking for a resolution. If I wouldn't "admit" that a crush is the same as being in love, he would simply browbeat and threaten me until I changed my mind. (I didn't.)
Outcome: we never spoke again, and to this day, I have a visceral reaction to his name.
CASE STUDY 2: THE NICEST GUY
We'll call him B. At some point, B decides he's into me. Neat! We have some very lovely conversations. Fantastic! He asks me out. No thank you!
In response, he accuses me of being in love with no fewer than three of our mutual friends.
Sorry, boys, but rejection is part of life. I don't have to date you. I don't even really have to be nice to you. Is ruining a friendship really worth it?
Outcome: we never spoke again.
CASE STUDY 3: THE SMILER
Meet C. C is a coworker rather significantly older than me. He has an unfortunate habit of entering the personal space of people he perceives as women, and on one notable occasion inquires as to "what it would take to get [me] to smile". I do not smile.
He eventually asks if he's done something to offend me, and I decide to address it directly. I tell him that his behavior makes me and others uncomfortable, that he's overly familiar with people in ways that are not really appropriate. I relay his own comments back to him. He says he's going to take some time to "process".
A few hours later, he slips an apology letter onto my desk while I'm away, consisting almost entirely of justifications and deflections, along with several "sorry if I offended you"s. He then comes back later to ask if I've read it.
Take a hint. Take the feedback. If someone openly says "you're making me uncomfortable", your response should include taking a large step back immediately. It absolutely should not include chasing them down to explain why they shouldn't be uncomfortable.
Outcome: I was now decidedly uncomfortable sharing a space with him and reported his behavior to a supervisor.
* * * * *
Here's the thing, guys. You aren't wild animals. You aren't toddlers. You are grown or growing men with an enormous capacity for learning and development. You aren't behaving poorly because you don't know any better; you are behaving poorly because you actively made the decision to behave that way.
And yeah, changing your behavior is hard! Especially in a society that teaches men from an exceptionally early age that they should take what they want and never back down, it can be really, really hard to get into the habit of taking that step back and assessing the situation. But are you really benefitting from the current approach?
Let's look at those case studies again, with different decisions.
* * * * *
CASE STUDY 1: THE MAN WHO MUST BE RIGHT AT ANY COST
Let's call him A. A and I are close friends and talk about everything. One day, I admit to having a minor crush on a mutual friend, and he makes a comment about my being "in love" with the friend. I laugh. No, I explain, it's not that big a deal, just a little crush. He's insistent that they're the same, and starts to get frustrated that I disagree.
Then he takes a step back. He realizes that a) this is a totally pointless thing to argue about and b) maybe we're just missing each other's points. He asks for clarity on how I'm defining love vs. crushes, and we get into a long conversation about what love really looks like to us.
Potential outcome: we learn more about each other and are better able to meet each other's needs as friends.
CASE STUDY 2: THE NICEST GUY
We'll call him B. At some point, B decides he's into me. Neat! We have some very lovely conversations. Fantastic! He asks me out. No thank you!
This stings. He feels embarrassed that he misread my signals, and his instinct is to lash out. But he still cares about me as a person, and he wants to preserve the relationship. He puts the phone down for a few minutes to feel his feelings, and then writes back that he understands and hopes we can still be friends.
Potential outcome: we remain friends and continue to build our relationship.
CASE STUDY 3: THE SMILER
Meet C. C is a coworker rather significantly older than me. He has an unfortunate habit of entering the personal space of people he perceives as women, and on one notable occasion inquires as to "what it would take to get [me] to smile". I do not smile.
He eventually asks if he's done something to offend me, and I decide to address it directly. I tell him that his behavior makes me and others uncomfortable, that he's overly familiar with people in ways that are not really appropriate. I relay his own comments back to him. He says he's going to take some time to "process".
He spends the day mulling over what I said to him and examining his interactions with others. Maybe he comes to the conclusion that, in other people's shoes, he might be uncomfortable too. Maybe he doesn't, but acknowledges that people have different levels of comfort with certain types of communication. He writes me a brief note thanking me for my feedback and promising to be more mindful of people's boundaries.
Potential outcome: maybe I'm still uncomfortable with him, but less so - and he stops making other people uncomfortable too!
And now, let's look at two more case studies.
CASE STUDY 4: THE ONE WHO LEARNED
An acquaintance and coworker at my summer job, D, chats with me while we work on different projects in the same space. We have a terribly minor disagreement over an identity conversation, about which I am objectively correct (after all, it's my identity!), and he refuses to cede the point. I avoid interacting with him for the rest of the summer. The following summer, he pulls me aside to tell me that he's thought a great deal about our interaction the previous year and feels terrible for his behavior. He apologizes genuinely and with a focus on acknowledging his decisions as poor.
Was the argument worth it? Not remotely. Did I think less of him for it? Absolutely. Did his apology make me completely reevaluate him as a person? Hell yes. He put in the work under circumstances in which he had no incentive to do so, except for the incentive of being better. And it worked.
Outcome: we were never quite as friendly again, but the discomfort was gone and we had a lovely time working together.
CASE STUDY 5: THE FRIEND
A close friend, E, overschedules himself repeatedly, cancelling our plans six times in under a month. Feeling insecure and hurt, I pull him aside and tell him that if he doesn't want to spend time with me, I would prefer that he be upfront about it, and if he does want to spend time with me, I would appreciate better planning and communication.
He is taken aback, having not realized how I felt about this, but immediately reassures me that he does indeed want to spend time with me and apologizes for flaking. We have a productive, genuine, mutually thoughtful discussion about the issue, and I walk away feeling like I've been heard and supported.
Outcome: I felt even closer to and more connected with E, and was able to manage my anxiety going forward with the knowledge that I could be upfront with him about my feelings and not worry about whether I would be heard.
* * * * *
It is so possible to behave in ways that are productive and appropriate, even when you've fucked up severely. You don't have to keep going; you can take a second to reevaluate your approach literally at any time. So why don't you?
All five of these case studies are real incidents that have happened to me within the last decade; details have been omitted, but not changed. And I feel exactly the same way about any given person now as what I described in the "outcome" sections.
And the stories don't stop there. E recently came to me asking for book recommendations on mental health, and he told me that he's working hard on being better to himself emotionally and getting comfortable with vulnerability. And honestly? I am honored beyond words that he feels like he can ask me for help, and incredibly proud of him for choosing to do so.
Here's the bottom line: men shouldn't need an incentive to be better beyond, y'know, being better. Self-awareness and personal growth are their own rewards. But if those things aren't enough for you, if you simply must get acknowledgement for it, consider: D and E are widely viewed in our circles as kind, helpful, genuinely good people. Other people want to be around them. They are respected and valued. Why? Because they allow themselves to grow.
Boys: allow yourselves to grow.
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